but every superman has his kryptonite.

Friday, September 21, 2007

I know how you guys think that mentioning some person's name will make me feel really sad, but I have to admit, it's really okay.

I am already emotionally detached. I went to her blog and read some old posts; old posts that made me on the verge of tears when I read them last year. But today, I feel nothing. I think I am already too used to these kinds of disappointments in life.

This may be great, because hey, next time disappointments and failures won't faze me anymore.

After all, I am constantly reminded of my failures by my friends. Maybe they are trying reverse psychology, by constantly reminding me how I failed badly in certain things I do, namely wooing her, so that I can finally wake up one day. Or maybe they are just trying to hurt me. ): But I am invincible already! Hahaha!

But I really must wake up lah. This one month holidays, I spent almost all of it holed up at home watching TV series on my computer, or working on my final year project. The only times I went out was to go to my dental and medical appointments, jog, play football or to visit my grandmother who is in hospital recovering from her fractured hip. Yeah.. I think I went out more when I was having my 'O' Levels examinations.

How would I wake up? Maybe I'll just accept that she's someone I can never get over, and will always be someone I love, and just try to find someone new. It's not that I never tried, every time I try, it felt like I wasn't being true to myself, because I know I can never feel as deep for anyone else other than her at that moment in time.

Or maybe it's really because I don't know how it feels to be in love anymore. I mean, the last time I was truly happy was in December last year. Ouch?

I really do want to start living a life. I'm almost 20, and it's supposed to be the peak of my life, I'm supposed to be screwing around and enjoying life at the moment.

Instead I'm lying here at 5 in the morning posting this. I would have never pictured this a few years ago. ):

Hopefully I'll just wake up and go club next week and get drunk and screw around and realise how life is supposed to be like for me.

But I really wish for once, just finally, my love life will be smooth. With her, with whoever else, I just want to feel truly happy and fulfilled again.

[ jason ] | 4:50 am |