Friday, December 17, 2004
I attempted to watch the sunrise this morning. The last time I did so was in March, when it really rised from behind Pulau Ubin. But this time round it rised from behind the ships. Which meant that I pretty much couldn't see any sh*t. But that's not the point. I got to enjoy the tranquil and serenity of the beach. Because I was... Unfortunately or fortunately... Alone.
I guess it was fortunate. Because my wanting and attempt to watch the sunrise even when no one was willing to accompany me still showed that I retained the romantic aspect of myself I always thought I had lost. The part of me which believed in love which I thought I have lost. Maybe from this morning I have regained a little bit of faith in love.
That is why from that, I've realised that I've not been me during these several months. I don't know what happened, I can't remember, but I know that I lost faith in love. And then I started flirting & playing around. I know I don't have much credentials to say I can flirt and all that, but I did. Haha. It really sounds like I'm making a confession now. But it's something I really feel that I must do.
Lets call those few months the "
period where Jason was really lost", or "
PWJWRL". During these few months I was literally juggling girls around. Typing all these makes me feel like a bast*rd. But lets go on. I could chat up three girls in a night in a school night. Sigh. Saying things I didn't mean, talking so sweetly and
feeling nothing at all. Yea. Normally when you talk to a person you really like there's this warm feeling in your chest. But talking to them was like
something I did for the sake of doing. Something I did for fun.
Never was feelings involved on my part.
It was not a bad experience at first. But it soon took a toll on me. Girls would call me and I had to ignore their calls. I felt really bad. I even had to lie and give excuses about my not being able to pick up their calls. Sigh. The worst part was that I was losing sleep and all, because their calls & messages tended to come during times when I was sleeping. I'm just one big fat jerk as*.
Because of that, I grew paranoid. There was once when a number which I never saw before send me a text message. Since it contained elements of love, I went to call the number because I was interested to find out who it was. It turned out to be a girl I was avoiding with the lame excuse of a spoilt mobile phone. Bah. Since then I never picked up calls from numbers I did not recognise.
That in my humble opinion is really, really
paranoid of me.
I don't want to live in that constant fear anymore. That is why I've decided to let nature take its course, and slowly stop using insecure and insincere ways of approaching and making advances to females. I think it's time to stop using Friendster to blatantly look for girls or something I started more recently, using the IRC to look for girls in those desperation channels. It's time to respect myself, and be respectful towards the opposite sex, and time to stop playing around with them.
During PWJWRL it was not that I never did develop feelings for any one of my "prospects" then. I did. But in the end I realised I got played and was something of that "love-on-the-rebound guy" in that girl's eyes. That is why today I'm extremely wary of developing feelings for anyone, no matter what. It is difficult for me to fall in love.
It needs something more for me to fall now.
Maybe it was me getting played that fuelled my
resentment towards love, that fuelled my desperation, that fuelled
my bast*rd-like acts.
This where I have to make an apology to a person, Sarah. Last night it was my friend using my phone to call you back after you called me. That is seriously very an asinine act by me, looking back. But I am sorry. I just can't fall in love through phone calls or text messages. It needs more of a
spark. I think it's better you forget me totally. I'm just one big fat bast*rd. I don't know. But when you asked me to say I loved you I always changed the subject. I tried... But I couldn't lay out the truth.
I'm really sorry.
To end this post off, I have to thank the tranquil beach and the beautiful sunrise that I did not get to see clearly for helping me see clearly my mistakes. This song, "Pei Wo Kan Ri Chu" (Accompanying me to see the sunrise) by Joi Cai is dedicated to you non-living things. You all were like the girlfriend that was not by my side while watching the sunrise which I couldn't really see. To quote that song, "Sui ran yi ge ran, wo bing bu gu dan, zai xin zhong ni pei wo kan mei yi ge ri chu." (Even though I was alone, I wasn't lonely, in my heart you were with me watching every sunrise.)
I really do want to fall in love again. Even if it may be difficult for me to do so. I'm human after all. I need someone to love and care for, and vice versa.
Flame me all you want. The tag-board's on your left.
[ jason ] | 2:00 pm |
