but every superman has his kryptonite.

Monday, September 06, 2004

Hmm. I think this will be the first post on this blog on the emotional side of me. I just wrote a letter, apologising for my inaction and uncaring, which broke her heart. At first she was the one who was breaking the hearts. But after I won her heart I broke it. I s*ck. That is not the first time that it has happened. I'd rather not elaborate on it.

Well, sometimes I think it is the memories of the times we spent together that is preserving whatever left of my feelings for her. Thinking back, the times I spent with her were really beautiful. Christmas, Valetines' Day, her birthday, going to the library, staying overnight at Pasir Ris and watching the sunrise, my birthday and getting lost at Geylang, going to the movies - some of those memories I don't think I will have chance to experience again. I really cherished the times we spent together. That is why I cannot totally let go of her. Yet.

Right now, people are coming in and out of my life. I don't know if I can trust myself to maintain a relationship at this stage of my life. I seriously don't. That is why I'm not pursuing anyone at the moment, even though there are a couple of girls pretty close to me. I really don't want to break anyone elses' heart and mine. I'm sure some of you out there are smirking, "That egoist idiot think he has the ability to break hearts? Yeah right." Well, f*ck off because I doubt you know me well enough to say that. I won't say I'm boyfriend material, but please don't feel that way. Because when I'm in love, I'm really am, and I try really hard. But when I'm not, I'm not.

Then again, life without a target really s*cks. Because I am so unambitious, I don't really have any targets in life except far-off ones like playing for Manchester United. Usually realistic (or unrealistic) ones would be winning some girl's heart. But I'm pessimistic about love and I don't believe in it now. I still don't know what true love is and I don't want to love for the sake of loving. Trust me, most of us at this age don't know what it is. I once thought I knew but I was wrong.

I don't know if I dare to fall again.

[ jason ] | 11:33 pm |